What I at first expected to just be a blog post promoting something I compiled online, I didn’t expect to take the conversation so deeply. But here I am, rambling away.
Thanks to my brother, I recently discovered a site I used to make a Top 40 Greatest Albums list by yours truly. Technically it’s just albums I love the most, not necessarily the critics favorites. You can see for yourself that I end up all over the place.
It was actually very difficult for me to rank music in a certain order. For me, I have just a grouping in my head of top tier albums, second tier, and whatever else I like. They don’t have this kind of order when I judge how good they are. But for the sake of a charted countdown, I have to play by the rules. If you know me at all, you should know that I can have a habit of rule-bending.
I hope to eventually gain a higher rank on the site by rating and commenting on others’ charts so I can make a larger chart.That also means I need to listen to more music. Not that I’m complaining.
In all honesty, I’ve kind of lost my way when it comes to music. I used to be listening to music nonstop, always downloading new albums and discovering more. I previously shared my usual methods for finding music in another blog post. But I’ve fallen off that bandwagon, only really listening when I’m tired of staring at a TV show or YouTube video. Maybe this new prospect will get me back into the swing of things, especially when I’ll have to start studying and doing schoolwork again (cringe).
A situation like this makes me excited to start school again rather than sitting at a desk job all day. I feel so much more refreshed and inspired when I’m just blogging that when I get into a rut of a regular routine of waking up, sitting in a cubicle for nine hours, and spending the night recovering, I never find myself even having the energy or motivation to really enjoy the things I love. While I’m thankful for the opportunities this current internship brings me, it just reminds me that I don’t want to be stuck in a job that starts to feel like a “job.” That I don’t wake up excited to go to work. I could care less about how much money I make, as long as I feel content, fulfilled and passionate. And I feel that when I’m just here in my own little world, typing away however I choose, whenever I feel inspired. I then feel uplifted and want to keep discovering new things in life (including music) so I have more to write about.
Another reason I think I’m getting back into music discovery is that I have more mental clarity as my overall well-being has improved over the summer. I feel energized, and it’s easier for me to focus on whatever I set my mind to. My therapist even said that when I first started seeing her, my rate of speech was almost lethargic, and now it is much more upbeat and normal. A random detail I never would have noticed on my own, which I think is very interesting. But now that I’m setting myself up to be more productive, I actually have the desire to research and explore. Getting back into the routine reminds me how much I’ve missed it, how all of my time and energy have been going into rebuilding my health. So now I can appreciate the world around me more and spend my time fully engaged in what I love. Rather than focusing on any physical changes (which now I actually have some muscle, which feels so weird), I like to motivate myself with changes a scale can’t measure.
Even when you’re in the midst of recovery, you only have one main priority: get better. Everything else tends to take a backseat in your mind. As you continue further on the journey, you realize how much your illness has taken from you. Moments spent thinking (and overthinking) details that never mattered when you could have been embracing life’s greatest treasures: the people you love and the activities you enjoy. When I first began realizing how consumed I was in the vicious cycle of calories and numbers and size, I was angry. For the first time. Never before had I took myself away from my eating disorder and wanted to punch it for the damage it has caused. The thing I always turned to for control and perfection was my enemy all along. I hate that it took so long for me to understand that, but I’m so thankful I did so I can spend the rest of my time on earth making the most of everything.
So this album countdown list seems very simple and straightforward. But after publishing it, I felt in shock of how long it had actually been since I’ve thought about music. Several months. Something I devote so much love and time to, I hadn’t even had the urge to do. It’s hard to fully wrap my brain around that. I want to make up for lost time, but I know I can’t go back. I needed to take the time away from everything to focus on what really mattered at the time. Now I can rely on a solid foundation of health to propel myself into any interest I choose. For those who have never experienced a similar recovery, let me to tell you, it is one of the most powerful, incredible feelings.
If you have any music suggestions for me as I search for my next favorite, I would love some direction. The chart should give you an idea of what I usually dabble into.I want to refill my life with as much artistry and beauty as I can. I deserve it.
Take care, and keep the faith. -Allie