Day 17: Time

Time is a flat circle. You can’t convince me otherwise.

Time is such a weird concept. I feel like if I try to go to deeply, it’ll turn into a philosophy class and I’ll end up confusing you and myself in the process. Recently I even sat down and just tried to rationalize how distant time feels. How time continually passes, how days turn into weeks into months, how special days come and go even if they didn’t seem that special.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m someone who is always looking forward to next thing. Planning things out in advance and looking forward to different achievements and goals I want to accomplish in my life and time frame I want to do it in. While I know how silly that is to try and plan things out, I still do it. And I still change my mind constantly. Thanks to anxiety, things in the far future feel like they’re tomorrow and I’m not prepared enough to know how to handle anything or what decisions to make. It’s overwhelming to say the least.

On the rare occasion I do look back on things, I am appalled. Even just a year or a few months ago, I was a different person. I feel myself constantly evolving into someone new, and no matter how much I plan, I cannot predict where I go. I find new interests and passions, I meet new people, and I let time take control. I let it pass by and hope for the best.

I’m not the only one trying to cheat time. We are bombarded with messages every day about going back to “glory days” and prevent aging and a hope of somehow inventing a pause, rewind and fast forward button to feel like you’re living life to the fullest. Except that isn’t really living at all. We can’t magically go back or do things different or predict what might happen. It’s a free-for-all.

No matter how out-of-control I feel, when I think of facing a tough week ahead knowing I will probably want to curl up into a ball, I know that it will pass. This won’t last forever. There are so many wonderful things after this week in the near future. I mean, hello, it’s officially the holiday season.

I find it beautiful how chaotic things feel, but when you really think about it, there’s this invisible system in place that gives order to everything. Every little action has a consequence. We are all connected in some way, our lives interwoven in others. And we really have no way of predicting how those threads cross. Even for me, who usually isn’t a huge fan of surprises or spontaneity, it makes me hopeful. Of course, realistically, I’ll come across some really painful and challenging moments along the way. I’ve already faced plenty fully expect some more. But despite that, I know I have time ahead of me where I get to spend time with the people I love and experience new places and just live. That makes me excited, knowing that the harder times always end and will eventually turn into something beautiful.

And we can never forget how precious time is. How fragile it is. We ache for the ability to control everything, but we just can’t. So we have to make the most of the present moment because nothing else is guaranteed. If you’re like me this month, you take every single day to express gratitude and appreciate the opportunity to spend time on this planet. Once you know the value of time, no moment is wasted.

We aren’t running out of time. It is never is too late. All we can do is make the best choices now, on a personal or global scale, and expect the unexpected. We take care of ourselves, our loved ones, and the environment. Time forces us to not dwell on our mistakes or regret certain things because hey, it’s done. That moment is never coming back. There’s only one direction to go from here.

I thank time for refocusing my mindset on the gift that is the present. I thank time for truly healing all wounds and providing me moments to become a stronger individual. I thank time for consistently moving forward, something so variable yet so constant. No matter what happens in our lives and on earth, we will always begin with a rising sun and end with a rising moon. I thank time for the chance to make memories and feel nostalgia. I also thank time for eventually welcoming future moments, giving me hope for everything to come.

For someone so strict on watching the clock and knowing what time it is, you would think that time bugs me to no end. I like having a schedule to fall back on and watch intently as the seconds pass, even when time feels so foreign to me. I worry about my significance in the passing minutes that tick by, am I doing enough? Am I doing the right thing? Could I spend my time better? Questions I probably won’t get answers to. I just have to trust that in time, I will continue to evolve, I’ll learn more, I’ll experience more, and everything will turn out fine. I’m not here to prevent aging, to fear wrinkles or graying hair. If that is what my future holds, I will accept it with open arms because I know it’s happening for a reason.

I guess it’s “time” for me to finish. Got to love the play on words. These moments of downtime where I get to just write and forget everything else are some of my favorites. Thank you for using your time to read my thoughts.

Take care, and keep the faith. -Allie

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