NOTE: I wrote this in a very low, dark mood. But I believe it’s crucial to share mental illness, in its mildest forms and when it is just plain ugly. I’m in a better mindset now, but this is a place I can easily fall back into. Please, everyone, take care of yourselves.
This, of course, is a lot of mental illness talking. Which is why I think it’s important to share. We keep our doubts and insecurities internal to the point that they make even less sense than they already do. That, however, does not make them any less valid.
I think too much. My mind constantly wanders to the bigger mysteries of life, things so abstract and unknown that my head can go in circles for hours. That might play a big role in why I cling to spirituality so often because it at least tries to give me answers. I can usually control myself to where I don’t become too overwhelmed. Other times, I can’t, as is today.
I do not recommend thinking about the meaning of time in a public area. If you are mentally ill like me, you are prone to a panic attack accompanied by holding back tears. The weather conditions, a dangerous mix of snow and freezing rain, does not help my mentality right now.
The root of a lot of my distress directly comes from comparison. I am fantastic at it, to say the least. I unconsciously am always looking at others, whether it’s their physique or lives or achievements, and I dwell on it. Although fully knowing that we are each doing the same things with others, envying and longing for what we don’t have, I still observe, I feel the energy around me, and it’s overwhelming, to a point I slightly lose myself in the process.
Heck, who am I even? What is my significance here in the retrospect of things? Have I done all I can? What am I doing right now?
In darker places, you wonder if you’re just here taking up space. You see the achievements people have earned, the number of people who love and remember them, the impact they’re having in the world, the way they spend their time. Things I see as living a full life. That for most days, you’re somehow making a difference, you’re regularly getting out of your comfort zone, you’re doing things that matter, and people take notice.
Or you’re here, just going through the motions. Having simple daily functions like getting out of bed or taking a shower as the most you do all day. You don’t do anything productive in your spare moments. You have people who you sometimes interact with who are talking to others more often. You have really no idea what to do with your future.
I share these things because in a normal situation, I would push these aside and not really share them. I honestly wouldn’t know how to enunciate them out loud. But it’s powerful and reassuring to know you aren’t the only one with the same doubts. So many others have the same thoughts swirling around. There’s always people better or worse off than you are. And yet we still think of ourselves as mere specks on the fabric of time and life. We are human, unable to go against nature. We all succumb to the same fate, no matter what we did in life. It doesn’t matter whether you found a cure for cancer or never worked a day in your life. How morbid.
We all have different definitions for “time well spent.” The only person truly judging our worth is us. We set standards from some justification and critique every move we make. How productive our day was. How many people talked to us. What grades we earned or how much money we made. And for what? Why must we be so harsh to the point we cannot appreciate time or our numbered days because we spend so much of them wanting, but not doing, more.
When you are prone to more self-destructive thoughts, you think about time differently. It’s often a weapon against ourselves to continue the inner battle. To inflict more wounds, physical and mental. It’s a form of justification for our actions to say, if I’m not doing anything valuable, if I’m just taking up space, someone else deserves it. We often think of things like suicide, depression, and self-harm as very selfish, but they are quite the opposite. These negative mindsets come from low self-worth, that the world deserves better.
It’s an endless, vicious cycle. I certainly don’t have the answers. I’m like anybody else, just trying to make it through, one day at a time. In this case, I’m always better at speaking to others rather than following my own advice, and today is no exception.
Take this post up until now as a means of how NOT to think about yourself. Your existence matters. You are here, on this world and in this life, for a reason. You are loved and appreciated. You are worthy of every minute, no matter how you spend it. Others are living their own lives, which are by no means a guideline for ourselves. You are you, a child of the universe no less valuable than the trees, the stars.
And if I could do anything with my time to make it well spent, I will use every breath I have to remind others of this message.
Take care, and keep the faith. -Allie