Day 14: Singlehood #GIG2017

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I can fall too easily into “what if’s” the second someone might show even an inkling of interest in me. But I’m not about to settle for anything less than I need.

I don’t know if that’s even a word, but we’re rolling with it anyways.

So if you couldn’t tell already by my lack of social media presence lately, I have been busy. Yes, busy with an end in sight, but an end that still feels too far away to grasp.

As such, that means I end up neglecting other aspects of my life to devote my time to what’s really at the forefront. It’s certainly not a balanced way to address stressors, but for now, it’s how I’m coping.

Since being in this stage of constant anxiety and tension, the many assignments I have looming over my shoulders, I began thinking about where my priorities, as of right now, really lie.

Right now, my priorities are obviously in my education, to finish strong and put my best work out there. And I’m prioritizing my relationships with family and friends, which is admittedly difficult because I tend to become exhausted by communication, but I’ve been making a conscious effort to keep in touch with a variety of people as I see fit. Even little things like a “thinking of you” message can make a huge difference.

And lastly on that has been myself. I’m getting in the basics I need, just not much beyond that. I know, not good, but I realize that most of my health woes are coming from the stress in my life, so I just look forward to finishing what I need to and treating myself to a nice break.

Not once here did I mention energy dedicated to a romantic relationship at this moment. If I had told myself a few years ago that was the case, I’d honestly be confused. I remember beating myself up so often for not really doing much on that end of life, mostly because I had no clue how to seek it out and nobody was really seeking it from me. I thought I was inadequate, “forever alone,” a failure when trying to meet some internal expectations to match others’ endeavors.

So we come to now. And right now, I’m proud to say I am single. I don’t want to be single forever, but I am content working on these big goals in my path and fostering my relationships with friends and family. That’s honestly all I can handle, and I’m at a point where that’s all I need.

I’ve been on both sides of the equation, where I was shocked to find out my feelings weren’t reciprocated, and also being the one in control to say things aren’t clicking. The latter example was downright frightening for someone who hates confrontation, but I’m so proud of myself for being able to stick up for my best interests to know what I need and deserve in a partner.

I’m grateful that I do set high standards for the people in my life so I don’t waste precious time and energy on those who don’t invigorate me. I’m grateful for my acceptance of what I need right now, and that is to be alone and get in that hustle. I’m grateful in the people who are in my life supporting and loving me exactly how I need to be. And I’m grateful for my slow but steady self-discovery realizing my worth as an individual and in a relationship.

And whatever may come, I’m grateful for the people that enter and leave my life as it’s meant to be. Some people will inevitably stick around for the long haul, but others might be a fleeting time for whatever reason. Especially if that reason is seeing someone’s true colors, colors that don’t fit in my design scheme.

If a person were to stumble into my life and fit the partner bill, than I’ll gratefully accept and relish it. Maybe it’s next week, next year, or not for a long time. Who knows? Cliche as it sounds, I have had enough sparks of excitement and disappointment to know I don’t want to waste too much time actively seeking out others just for the sake of a relationship. I believe that yes, we have certain partners destined for us…soul mates, if you will, and those can be platonic or romantic. Both are amazing and a blessing.

There’s perks to being in a relationship, certainly, but I’m grateful for my independence and freedom right now, a time when I can be somewhat selfish with my time and priorities to pursue what my soul desires.

That doesn’t mean I don’t still keep a mental checklist of what I want and need from a partner, and I’m not settling for anything less.

If you want me in your life, I’m not playing games and lollygagging for the “dating” experience. I’m in it for long term. If you want some extra quirk and anxiety, it would be an easy feat. I might not be good at making decisions, but I have decided that I am complete as I am. I am both halves of the equation. I just need someone to keep up with my fast pace and complement who I already am to encourage me to keep moving forward, learning and growing.

But anyways, I’m stressed. That’s too much to think about when I have plenty of other papers to write and presentations to assemble. But when I get a chance to breathe, you know where I stand.

Do you have a “future spouse” list of what you’re looking for in someone? Because seriously, don’t feel embarassed to know what you want. You deserve it.

Take care, and keep the faith. -Allie

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